Letting Go of the Guilt

Ahhh it is Tuesday already and Monday is over with WOO HOO.  I survived another day. That has been my motto lately.

A couple posts back I was telling you all how we were struggling with sleep. You can read about it here. Well let me tell you it has still been a struggle. I don't know what is going on. A few weeks ago she had strep and ever since then we haven't been able to get back to where we were. We use to be able to put her in bed awake, cover her up and leave. She would sleep until about 6:30 the next morning.

The weird thing is she is still napping in her bed fine. No issues at all. She doesn't even fight me. Lays right down and lets me cover her up. Now when it comes to bedtime it is a different story. As soon as we are done with stories she starts fussing. I still do the same thing. I put her in her bed and attempt to cover her up, then I leave. 9 nights out of 10 she is crying. That is so hard for me, it breaks my heart! I don't want her last memory of the day to be me walking out of the room while she is crying for me. But I do it anyways. This is where the guilt starts.

I go take a shower and hope and pray she quiets down by the time I am done. Some nights she is some nights she is still screaming. If she is still screaming I go back in and have her lay down and tell her it is bedtime, sweet dreams, I love her and I will see her in the morning. She usually will lay down this time. So we are good for a few hours. Then the crying starts. We do start out there and try our hardest to stay there, but it just doesn't work :(.

The other night it was about 9:15pm. I went in and she laid down and I was able to leave. She was quite for about 5 minutes. I let her cry for a little and the screaming continued. I went back in and she laid down again and I told her I was right there and she was ok. I stood outside her room and she was quiet. I walk very carefully through our room, not trying to creak the floor, and climb back into bed. At this point it is 9:45p and after the past few nights we have had I am ready to go to sleep. 20 minutes go by and the screaming starts again. What is going on? So we do the same thing over again. This is on repeat until I can't take anymore and she ends up in our bed. Then we all sleep peacefully through the rest of the night. The end you think right? No I have so much guilt with her sleeping in my bed and I need to let it go. It is ok!

I have been trying so hard to be strong and keep her in her bed but honestly I can't take it anymore. When you have gotten maybe 2-3 hours of sleep for many nights in a row the endless screaming gets to you. I am human. I work full time, take care of a toddler and attempt to be a good wife to my husband. Insert more guilt here because I have not been the best wife or mom.

This has been very trying for Matt and I. We are tired and when you are sleep deprived you tend to get frustrated easier and snap faster. There have been many nights Matt and I have not been nice to each other all because of frustration and sleep deprivation. Is that an excuse, NO, but it is reality. The other morning I apologized to him for being mean at 2:00am and just hugged him and cried. This is so hard for me. And let me be honest as I type this tears are forming in my eyes. I am having a hard time with this sleep regression if that is what you want to call it.

I have found myself explaining our situation to many of my friends lately trying to justify her sleeping in our bed and why we end up with her in our bed. I am beginning to realize I don't need to justify what I do as a parent and why I do it. I am not harming my daughter and in reality I am probably helping all of us sleep by letting her sleep with it. Getting frustrated and being sleep deprived does anyone no good. It makes for days wasted on crankiness. These two are my world and I hate wasting days due to crankiness and frustrations.

At this point we are going to do what ever we need to do so all of us can get some sleep. I am going to try to stop feeling guilty about putting her in my bed and be thankful we are getting sleep. Being a mom/parent is very hard. Everyone will tell you something different. Shoot one person told me to put ear plugs in my ears and let her scream. I am sorry I just can't do that! And I refuse. If that is what works for you go for it. If I have learned one thing about being a mom, it is that you have to do what works for you in the moment. This moment will pass and there will be something else that is difficult to deal with. This is parenthood! It is a roller coaster.

My sister said something to me yesterday while I was telling her what was going on and it made me think. She said, "I think this habit can be changed in the future when she's older to understand so right now sleep is definitely more important than having her sleep in your bed." She is right. We create different habits everyday good and bad. This could be good or for some people I am sure they see it as bad. But right now this is a good habit for us because we are all sleeping. So I am going to quit feeling guilty about her sleeping in our bed and enjoy the sleep we will be getting. Judge away people, I am letting go of this guilt :). So for now this sleeping beauty will be sleeping with us.

Oh and on a happy note!!! We have put an offer on a house and it was accepted!! WOO HOO!!!! I know all you are jumping up and down for us if you have been reading about our frustrations with that. There is more here, here and here.  We have the inspection set for Friday! Hoping everything goes great and we are good to go! Keep us in your thoughts !

Hope everyone has a great Tuesday and this week flies by! I am ready to be off on Monday and spend some much needed time with some missed friends! It feels like forever since I have seen them.